May 3, 2007

• To trust means learning to let go…

  As
  I have shared already here my Gram passed away in April. It has been a
  wild roller coaster ride of emotions. I had no idea how many emotions a
  person could go through while grieving! Not that I have escaped grief
  before but this time it was my Gram. Gram wasn’t just anybody… she
  was my absolute favorite person in the whole world!! She was the best
  Grandmother anyone could ever have! OK, so I am a bit biased.
  Regardless, Gram was my stability and my foundation in life in the
  human form.

  A few nights ago I had the worst part of the
  grieving thus far, I think. The grief hit me out of no where with
  floods of tears and a heart so painful I thought it would never heal. I
  felt everything from anger and guilt to just pure sorrow. To say the
  least, I did not sleep the entire night.

  The last time I ever
  came close to grieving as difficult as the loss of my Grandmother was
  when the doctors informed me that I would never conceive a child and I
  would have to have surgery to remove my entire womb. That was a loss
  that ran so deep words cannot do it justice. It is hard for people to
  comprehend how a person can grieve deeply for something or someone they
  never met or experienced. My dream of conceiving and birthing a child
  was a loss that I had to let go. However, God chose to bless me when I
  finally submitted and handed over my dreams to HIS desires for my life.
  Initially during that grieving period I never thought I would be where
  I am today with four children born of my heart going onto six, Lord
  willing!

  With my Grammie’s passing for weeks I truly did not
  believe it even happened. As my little Chloe asked occasionally, “When
  is Grammie coming home from the hospital?” Then my Caleb continued to
  pray at bed time, “God please heal Grammie of cancer.” Honestly, I too
  have had a similar thinking as the children in these aspects. When am I
  going to walk back into Gram’s kitchen and see her busily making our
  family meal as she always enjoyed? When will I wake up from this awful
  nightmare? Surely it must be a bad dream! I never actually saw her when
  life was taken from her body. Simply, I didn’t believe it. My mind just
  could not comprehend that the foundation of my life was gone. This
  disbelief ran so deep that I just felt numb and remained in my normal
  smiley state without shedding many tears at all. The only exception was
  when I saw her in pain for a moment and then another time when I became
  confused in the chaos, on the day of the funeral, that others were
  cooking in my Gram’s kitchen rather than Grammie herself. Like I said,
  I just couldn’t believe it was all happening. I even remember my
  reaction the morning Grampa called me to tell she had just passed and
  to go and have a good cry. I literally got off the phone thinking, “Cry
  for what?” That was how much denial of Grammie going on to Heaven I was experiencing.

  As my children started to ask more questions and I had to
  communicate further that Gram wasn’t coming home from the hospital or
  that Gram was healed of cancer but in heaven not on earth it started to
  slowly sink in. Each day I was unable to go visit her to make sure she
  was OK brought reality that Gram was no longer with us. As Jared asked
  a question recently, “Will we ever have our family Thanksgiving and
  Christmas again?” I realized indeed our family is changed. Short
  periods of tears, within the reality of what I always knew no longer
  exists, started to flow. Mostly it would hit me during meal times
  because those are the times I am reminded of Grammie’s hospitality and
  love for her family.

  Then the “whys?” and the “what ifs?”
  started going in circles in my mind as I wrestled with not becoming
  angry and insecure of losing the most precious person in my life.

  Finally,
  I sobbed for three hours straight with every painful sting my heart
  could possibly feel realizing that Gram is gone. I missed her terribly!
  Honestly, I felt as though I was not ready to be on my own without my
  Gram’s wisdom, guidance and stability. For a weak moment I no longer
  wanted to continue my adoption as I thought I couldn’t possibly
  accomplish raising a large family without Grammie’s encouragement as
  well as facing the day the children would arrive home and not see her
  coming through my door to meet them. I realized there would be many
  wonderful events in my life that Grammie will no longer be physically
  apart of.

  My family is changed forever. I have no idea what
  the dynamics of my family will be like without the strong Matriarch
  that Gram was that held us together like super glue. Will any of us
  ever be able to fill or replace such an amazing role that my Gram
  played in our lives? Probably not. God made Gram in HIS own special way
  and she was uniquely created by HIM. No, life won’t be the same.
  However, I have to trust that God is sovereign and that I have no
  business in questioning why He chose to bring her home now.

  In
  each stage of my grief I have had to let go of something…. denial,
  anger, lack of trust in God’s sovereignty, insecurity, disappointment
  and at some point the mourning. Until I have fully let go of these
  aspects I cannot expect to receive the fullness of God’s blessings!
  Just as I know God has blessed me in past with letting go of my dreams
  and my sorrows I know He will bless me in this circumstance as well.

  My
  hope is that my Gram’s passing will inspire me personally to grow
  deeper as a child of God, a wife, a mother and a daughter encouraging
  me to be a better person while passing on the full richness of my
  Gram’s life. My hope is that my family can all work together to continue the
  legacy of what my Grandmother gave to each of us as the torch must be
  passed on. Family is what was important to my Gram. I believe with my
  whole heart that each one of us is capable of finding that courage and perseverance my Grandmother
  showed that will bring us back together
  around the dinner table rejoicing in our family as Gram would desire us
  to. It won’t be easy to let her go but she will always remain in our
  hearts as we move on to give thanks in the blessings we had with Gram
  in our lives. I wish to walk in the example of my children as they now
  say in their bedtime prayers, “Thank you God that Grammie is in heaven
  with you and no longer sick.”

  I don’t know what the future
  entails but I do know I can trust that God knows what is best. God,
  ultimately, is my foundation. God never changes and that is one thing I
  can count on!

  • 4:13 am
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