December 17, 2008
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Personal Healing and Goals
Life has been either super busy, or we just needed the time for privacy.
Honestly, it’s been tough these past couple of months to keep moving on from our two years worth of failed adoptions. We still have no real conclusion on the recent domestic one. Our monies are still tied up with the agency for another few days. Even what we do get back is pocket change if we choose to end everything now. Major bummer!
We also have to make the decision on whether we want to be re-matched or not. Some days I feel like enough is enough! I just want to enjoy every moment with the four kids God has blessed me with and no longer deal with adoption world. Other days it kills me to even think about giving up and having to weed the baby stuff out of the house. Our children still desire more siblings as well. Of course, there are always other possibilities that we have looked into to grow our family. We are asking God for clear answers after the holidays when decisions must be made.So, now you know why I didn’t just jump right in with sharing our family days, as I normally do here on xanga. We have all been going through a grieving process. It’s hard to open your heart up to the world and be transparent after something like a failed adoption. Especially when that failed adoption was not just a change of heart, but rather an out and out scam on the birthmother’s part. Pure betrayal. No, I’m not being bitter. It’s the fact! Everyone involved now knows that. I have chosen forgiveness and was given one miraculous moment to tell the birthmother so. God is good! =)
I have been personally journaling through my feelings as each emotion arises. It’s amazing how much nasty stuff can be purged from one’s heart after going through such a journey! I am thankful to the Lord that He loves me enough to correct, encourage and help me to be more like Him.
With that said… here are some things I am looking forward too….
Christmas in Maine this year!! We are getting all eight Grandchildren together at Eric’s Mom’s house. Should be a blast to have eight kiddos opening gifts under one tree!
The World Missions Summit conference is coming after Christmas! I can hardly wait!!! I hope to be able to do a lot of journaling for you all like I did the last time. We are taking seven students with us from the University. I am praying that God really speaks clearly in all of our lives. I am also praying my children are highly impacted. Last summit, I saw two of my children really being touched by God and the need to fulfill His great commission. To say the least, I can’t wait to see what God has for us!
Lastly, I am going back to school. I will be finishing my Biblical studies I started a loooong time ago prior marriage and kids. I had to stop when I became so sick with the disease that also caused my infertility. I have been putting this one goal off for a long time. I’m ready… I have had my time of physical healing, as well as emotional healing from the trauma of it all. My children have come a long way from their beginning of life trauma as well in regards to attachment issues and developmental delays. Everyone is doing so well! God has blessed me with four beautiful children who are very excited to see Mama studying alongside of them too. Fortunately, I am able to do my studies from home for now, as I will be doing much of it online! This will not interfere with my parenting or homeschooling. Obviously, it will only add to our Mission’s work. =)
So, here’s hope for a wonderful Christmas, Missions Summit, and a New Year to come!
EDIT: Okay, this is really weird… after I clicked the post button the date jumped right out at me. The baby was born on Sept. 17th. So he is three months old exactly now when I wrote this. See how my mind unconsciously starts thinking about these things? Interesting. Grief is a very strange experience!
Comments (5)
Just happened upon your blog and felt the need to comment about your failed adoption. Hang in there. We have fostered 27 children and did not get to keep one until the 26th placement. God’s plan is perfect and ds is the joy of our lives. There were so many heartaches and disappointments along the way. Praying now about whether to try again in the spring. DS came into our lives when he was six days old and it took 22 months to finalize the adoption. He never left our home, but had contact with biological family for quite some time. Prayers coming your way. DS’s bio mom revoked her relinquishment at the last moment and it took a long, long time to get the termination of her rights (she was only 14 at his birth) — We still send photos to both bio parents and several other bio relatives. Life is so sweet with our son now.
I’m still praying for you and thinking of you. Your thoughts about grieving the failed adoption are so similar to mine…I could have written the first part of your post, right down to the four children! To have our perfect paperwork still sitting here, useless, makes me feel ill–but on the other hand, I can’t bear to throw it away until it’s invalid. Grief over a failed adoption is an unusual kind of grief…I don’t think people who haven’t “been there” can understand it, so it’s a rather lonely road to walk. I do feel like I’m just clinging to Christ in the dark, as it were. I’m continuing to pray for you. Thank you for posting your thoughts; it has helped me feel not so alone.
Wishing you and your family a blessed Christmas~
Praying for you!
I just dropped by to wish you and your family a most blessed Merry Christmas!
~Kathy
Praying for you and your family. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas in Maine
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